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Don’t read this responsively

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High holiday reading you won’t find in synagogue

Are you going out Saturday night – during the 10 Days of Awe? You wouldn’t believe how many sins you commit just at a bar on a weekend night. Luckily for you, Yom Kippur begins Sunday night, so there’s still time!

If you’re having trouble relating to the Machzor, print this out and carry it with you to services. (Disclaimer: This prayer was not sanctioned by a Rabbi or God.)

For the sin of drinking too much, embarrassing your friends, and ending up stumbling home alone only to throw up.

For the sin of not visiting a sick relative or helping out a friend and instead doing something worthless like watching “Dancing With the Stars.”

For the sin of stealing from the hot bar at Whole Foods … for saying you’re awesome at something you have no idea how to do …for the sin of being a wing man, talking to the other girl so my friend can hook up with her friend, even though I have no interest in the girl and hence have wasted her time.

Debarnu Dofi
For the sin of getting upset when a romantic interest treats you poorly, and then treating your next romantic interest just as badly.

For the sin of spilling something and not cleaning it up because you are in a hurry and no one saw you.

For the sin of goading someone into getting into a conflict with someone else.  “She was totally into you until X started talking to her. He always does that.”

For the sin of stealing that cool beer mug.

For the sin of road rage or for the sin of pushing your way onto the train and shoving someone else out of the way so you can get on and not have to wait in the cold.

Tafalnu Sheker
For the sin of saying “I’ll be there” when you know very well you won’t be.

Yatznu Ra
For the sin of advising a friend to do what feels good instead of what is right.

For being on a committee just to have your name on the invitation and not actually participating in any of the volunteer work.

For the sin of calling someone a slut or a male whore.

For the sin of bringing the bottle of red wine to the party that was sitting on your shelf for a year instead of the white wine your friend asked you to get that goes with the meal. Red? White? What’s the difference?

For the sin of instead of issuing a sincere apology when you have wronged someone, you make excuses as to why is it his fault or tell him, “I’m sorry you were upset,” instead of admitting to wrongdoing.

For the sin of bailing out of jury duty.  For the sin of not voting.

For the sin of not filtering and saying something hurtful and not helpful.

For the sin of not giving a dollar or food to a homeless person because you already give charity that is tax deductable.

For the sin of even though you may have had your eye on that guy first, sending that nasty email to an acquaintance telling her to go to hell.

Kishinu Oref
For the sin of refusing to recognize the point of view of a friend with opposite political beliefs.

For the sin of being a jerk because you are in a bad mood.

For the sin of not telling a sexual partner the truth about your sexual history.

For the sin of not getting up from a seat on the El for someone who could probably use the seat more than you. For the sin of driving way too fast.

For the sin of telling an unsubstantiated rumor about someone.

Now you know why services are so long! Luckily you have your community to lean on. Kol Nidre doesn’t use the word “I” once. It speaks in the plural: “Our and We.” So during services, look around the room and don’t think of it as being in a room of sinners, think of it as being in a room of repenters.

Happy repenting and have an easy fast.

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