It’s been more than a Bar Mitzvahs length of time since my Bar Mitzvah, and now, finally, I am an adult. I know what you’re thinking. Nope. Not this guy. Even with the face and the beard and the Bar Mitzvah length since Bar Mitzhvah, nope – he’s no adult. No chance. But yes, faithful attractive Oy! reader, it turns out I am part of the coveted group that gets to sit at the big people table during Rosh Hashanah. It was a shock to me too, but now I have evidence to back it up. In a convenient 18 different items no less. Well, possibly less. Ok, probably less. I’m tired. So I present to you how I discovered I am an adult in 18 examples. Enjoy.
1. Instead of the question, “What do you study?” the first question I always receive upon meeting someone is now, “What do you do?” The answer is still I don’t know.
2. I have the freedom to take a day off of work for no reason other than I don’t want to go to work. I have freedom to do whatever I want, which is mostly not to accomplish anything. I’m very good at this.
3. I can spoil my supper on purpose. And besides, Double Stuf Oreos that will inevitably become Quadruple Stuf Oreos are an entirely acceptable choice for supper. Also, I’ve started saying supper.
4. I’m allowed to get distracted by literally nothing. Also by…sorry. Just noticed how white my wall is.
5. If at any time I have a hankering for chocolate milk, then by gum, I’m gonna have me some chocolate milk. Why I always want to have chocolate milk next to gum, I have no idea.
6. The freedom of being anywhere without anyone knowing. When I was younger, this usually meant I had accidentally locked myself in the bathroom.
7. I have my own health insurance. But that’s not the adult part. The adult part that I don’t use it. I’m 26 and a half. I’m invincible. Well, as long as I have my Bubbie’s cooking, that remains true.
8. I’ve learned that my apartment doesn’t just clean itself. I just have to hold out long enough until my mom visits.
9. Everyone around me takes my relationships more seriously. Mostly that my relationship with Spaghettio's is getting unhealthy, to which I say, but it has Riboflavin! (Seriously, look at the can. It’s a real thing and I love to say it out loud like the nutty professor. Glavin!!!!)
10. As long as I can afford it, I can buy anything I want at anytime, because in this day and age nothing is “hard to find”. Just “expensive on eBay.”
11. To make it through a day, I usually need some sort of wake-up juice. Be it an energy drink (Monster) or fake coffee (Frappuccino) or a more untraditional method (fish slap to the face), the excitement of life doesn’t keep me awake like it used to.
12. I now have the authority to bring any special food I want to family functions. So yes, there will now always be Zebra Cakes at Rosh Hashanah.
13. I am a lot closer to my siblings now that my siblings are farther away.
14. Naps have become the absolute greatest gift that is ever possible. Both having the time to take one and then doing so. Although sometimes I don’t always have the time for naps and then I occasionally get struck by the elusive and unwanted “nap attack.” That gets embarrassing on the bus. Every. Day.
15. My mom no longer burps me. Mostly because I moved out last year.
16. I do not have a bed time. My bed time is now defined as the moment I pass out while watching re-runs on Netflix every night.
17. I’m able to try and do any new things. Also, I don’t have to try and do any new things.
18. And last, but not least, one of my favorite examples of how I know I’m an adult. I now get asked, “Do you have kids?” To which I always reply, “Why? You looking to buy?”