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I’m sorry for this blog: an apology for being apologetic

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09/06/2012

Adam Daniel Miller photo

That’s a bad title. I’m sorry. I mean, I apologize. I mean…I have to stop that. I say something along these lines more than I rightfully should. Maybe it’s the stereotypical Jewish guilt. I don’t know. Sorry I brought it up. Whoops. There I go again. See? My apologizing is getting superfluous. For example, if someone needs to get by me or I myself need to get by, I say it. It can’t be right that I am always the one at fault. In a sense, saying sorry or apologizing is a form of regret. I wish not to have regrets and am therefore looking for an alternative to the abundance of sorries I hand out. It is a negative word and I like to live in the positive. For example, I don’t call it a lazy eye. I look at it as one overly enthusiastic eye. So from here on out, I want to make sure any regrets, even on a minute level, remain as minimal as possible.

The first thing I need to do is stop apologizing when unnecessary. I’m sorry will be no more. I don’t want to become arrogant or pompous, just less apologetic. I need to stuff my sorries in a sack mister. Based on this entire apology and saying I’m sorry talk, I bet you can easily guess what my favorite board game is.

Go on, take a guess.

If you guessed Sorry, that’s a good guess. It’s actually Monopoly. Monopoly.

Didn’t mean to mislead you there. Okay, maybe I did. Not going to apologize though.

This idea of saying sorry too much, at least for me, somewhat stems from my conscious yet unconscious need of approval from others. By the way, I really hope you are liking this. I’m someone who never wants to anger or annoy anyone as I am very non-confrontational. In the rare times that I am, my body tenses up, a wave a heat spreads over me and I become someone I don’t entirely like. In a word, it’s unpleasant. In two words, very unpleasant. My mother always told me if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing. Hence why you often hear me in these confrontational situations repeatedly yelling “Nothing!”

That’s a bad joke. Still can’t say I’m sorry.

Saying I’m sorry is a way for me to take the blame and prevent any drama from happening. I’m not a fan of drama. Ironic considering I have a theater minor. But I feel that drama is so…I want to say dramatic, so I will. Dramatic. Life has enough drama as it is, which is why I enjoy making people laugh. I sure do hope you are laughing while reading this. When appropriate of course. What’s fascinating to me is that I do all of this to avoid certain situations. I have self-proclaimed avoidance issues and apologizing to neutralize the situation is a form of that. Isn’t it nice how all of these things are bundled together in one nice package for me? By apologizing I’m effectively avoiding drama. See how well that works?

What I really need is a new phrase. A more specific way to say I’m sorry but not be avoiding the issue while still keeping the drama to a minimum. Maybe I should start saying, “I am completely responsible for my actions and I put the blame entirely on myself at this juncture”. That might be a little too longwinded. In fact it is a little too longwinded. Especially when just passing by someone at the grocery store.

The only person I should be apologizing to is myself. Well, unless I actually did something wrong to you in which case I very much should apologize. Like if I stepped on your favorite rubber duckie and now the squeaker is all screwy, an apology would be acceptable. But simply and honestly, I want to always have confidence in my actions. Again, no regrets. I’m young enough and yet old enough to have already accumulated a multitude of them and adding to the list would be preferably avoided. At my current age of 25, as I see it, I’ve barely started real life. I was in school for almost two decades. My brain didn’t finish developing until this year. I at least have that one excuse.

What I want to get across, to put it succinctly, is that I need to be more proactive than saying a simple I’m sorry. Saying it can get you past some of the small issues, but it usually doesn’t solve the big ones. When I stopped going to class during my first semester of college and was subsequently put on probation, saying I’m sorry didn’t do much. (True story. I said I’m sorry at least a dozen times and remained on probation despite the apologies) I want to take my actions along with my words and do some good. Maybe make someone’s day. I should go ahead and do that. Instead of adding another regret, I should add another good deed. Hence maybe looking at these small opportunities to provide a mitzvah. Like when I’m asked for tzedakah, a much better answer is a small donation than saying I’m sorry. I suppose that sums up my whole point right there. So that’s enough out of me.

Sorry for ending this so abruptly.

I mean, I am completely responsible for my actions and I put the blame entirely on myself at this juncture.

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