Welcome, welcome, welcome! Yes, welcome to my blog. A blog where I like to treat my readers right. So that's why I came up with this idea that instead of giving you one blog every now and again, I should give you a whole bunch at once. I'm doing this because I love you. And you're very attractive. Enjoy!
Mitzvah – The Bar
When I was 13, contrary to what my previous blog might have you believe, I had an amazing bar mitzvah. But now that I'm 25, I want to OWN an amazing Bar Mitzvah. Yes, that's right very attractive readers, I want to establish a bar and set it up exactly like a Bar Mitzvah. You might think this is a bit of a joke, and maybe it is, but you know you'd want to go there. So let me give you a preliminary list of what you may find someday when you walk into Bar Mitzvah:
- Every week a different theme based on popular opinions and suggestions
- If spotted doing a mitzvah of any kind by the staff, incredible prizes will be rewarded, such as giant inflatable couches or a three foot long tube filled with bubblegum
- The stereotypical music you love playing always and often. Especially Kool & The Gang's "Celebration," the number one song played at every Bar or Bat Mitzvah (Based on scientific data)
- Intermittent games like Coke/Pepsi, or to keep up with the times, Coke Zero/Pepsi Max
- The occasional Snowball
- A free fountain drink bar that serves, exclusively, Kiddie Cocktails
- With paid entry, a free souvenir t-shirt exclaiming such fun puns as "I had a sluggin' good time at Bar Mitzvah!" (Baseball week) or "I had an 88 Miles Per Hour good time at Bar Mitzvah!" (Back to the Future week) and even "I had a really good time at Bar Mitzvah!" (Generic week)
- A sweet table to rival all sweet tables
- 1 Hora each hour, minimum
And again, this is just a preliminary list. Imagine if I gave it more than 10 minutes of thought.
The Shameless Plug Blog
This is a blog designed purely for the shameless self promotion of my other work. I hope I retain some respect for being honest with you.
- This was all about my trip to the Western Wall in Israel on Shorashim Birthright. Of what I have written, this is one of my own personal favorites.
- An article I wrote about short lived British comedy shows. Read this one to be educated on hilarity that you may know not of but should know a lot of. Hey, I rhymed.
- A two part YouTube video of the first time I ever performed standup comedy in college. I apologize in advance, both for the quality of the videos and the quality of me in the videos. Part one. Part two.
- My twitter page, because I'm hilarious and you should follow me. Just not home. That's creepy. Or just simply look up TheMindofADM.
- And finally, a nice link to my profile and the entirety of my previous blogs on the wonderful, beautiful site that is Oy!Chicago.
If you actually read and watched all that, you're the most attractive reader I have and are one step closer to knowing what it's like inside my head. For this I do not envy you.
(Note: This next mini blog was the most difficult and time consuming of all six blogs.)
One Word Blog
Rump, derriere, behind, bottom, rear, butt, heiny, tushie, gluteus maximus and even ass don't begin to compare to the word tuchus. They are a sheer fraction, a morsel, a nano-particle of what the word tuchus is and can do. Now while there are a number of great Yiddish slash Jewish words out there, tuchus just blows them all away, metaphorically speaking. It rolls off the tongue with unparalleled eloquence. Go ahead. Try it. I'll wait.
See? Beautiful, ain't it? But what truly makes this word stand out among its fellow synonyms is the stealthy value of the word. It's like a ninja. Unlike the previously mentioned forms, tuchus is not known as widely outside of the Jewish world. It gives me a sense of entitlement that I'm not entirely sure if I'm allowed to have. Having said that, I will bestow upon you an absolutely terrible "Yo Mama" joke. Ahem.
Yo Mama so fat….her tuchus is becoming a threechus. Heh heh.
A blog where the title of the blog is actually longer than the blog itself, thus making you wonder why the title of the blog in question was so very, very, very long when it could have simply been a much shorter title that was a lot more direct and to the point instead of the ridiculous and redundant title that was unfortunately before the blog with the ridiculously long and redundantly repetitive title that was just mentioned previously
I got nothing.
My Greatest Underutilized Jewish Fashion Accessory
Other than in a clearance sale, I don't accept things as is. I question what I'm given. When someone asks if the glass is half empty or half full, I ask if someone was pouring or drinking and either way, is that beer and can I have some? I bring up this philosophy of mine for one reason and one reason only. My tallit. I don't wear it enough and shall now question why.
It's possibly the coolest piece of apparel I own, both for its look and significance. So why do I not show it off more? Wear it about town to let all my goyim friends see what they are missing out on. It would perfect in Chicago for the 10 winter months we have each year. It's an Über-scarf, as I like to say. Not to mention a great way to show off some slick Jewish style. It really comes down to one simple yet over-the-top fantasy for me. I'd be riding around in a convertible (blue and white of course), tallit blowing in the wind (blue and white of course), and tzitzit extending like spirit fingers (this time just white, of course). I'd stop alongside some young attractive Jewish women, potentially some of my readers due to their attractiveness, tilt my head to the side, give a small head nod, pause for effect and say, "Shalom".
That's right, I'm a bad-tuchas.