For my upcoming October wedding, as a somewhat Type A bride, there's a lot I'm trying to control.
I don't think I've become Bridezilla, but I've spent 28 years daydreaming about this special day and I have a vision I'd like to achieve. I'm choosing specific flowers (I now know my new favorite flowers are dahlias and ranunculi!), I have songs I'd like the band to play (and not play), and I'm designing our invitations myself.
But I'm realizing that there's one aspect of wedding planning that I can't control and it is driving me crazy. It's my stupid subconscious.
I'm not one who usually remembers my dreams -- I rarely had those "oh-no-I-forgot-about-the-math-test-and-here-I-am-running-late-to-school-and-I'm-wearing-my-bathrobe-and-bunny slippers" nightmares, at least that I could remember. But leading up to our wedding, the nightmares have begun.
It's not monsters and zombies that scare me overnight. What frightens me awake are visions of the hair stylist not showing up, the bridesmaids forgetting what day it is, taking my dress out of the box to find it is salmon colored (yes, even in my dreams, I'm picturing colors by their Pantone names), the chuppah being an enclosed phonebooth-like box where no one could see us during the ceremony, and the photographer's pictures turning out horribly. And that was all one real, horrible midsummer night's dream!
The truth is -- I know the wedding is going to be great. It will be perfect because I'm marrying Adam, who is wonderful and loving and calm. It will be perfect because we will be surrounded by our friends and family who love us. And it will be perfect because at the end of the day, love is the winner. Things will go wrong, mishaps will happen, someone will forget to put out the place cards, but it will still be Our Wedding Day.
So why can't my dreams CALM DOWN?
Is there a way to send a message to my subconscious? "Hey, whoever's listening deep in there … these dreams have been getting a little crazy recently and are kind of stressing me out. Can we tone them down a bit?"
While I have spent a lot of time planning our wedding, the majority of it has been fun and even relaxing for me. I like meeting with florists and I enjoy trying on dresses. Even choosing linen colors is fun. But my nightmares are taking my fun and exciting reality and MAKING. ME. SCARED.
I'm sure this is normal, and I'd love to hear about other people's pre-wedding night terrors. Is there a trick to make them stop?
I guess I can't control everything. My brain is clearly bored while I'm sleeping (come on, brain, isn't there an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" that you can find in there? That show is always on somewhere) and so it wants to mess with me.
But what I can control is focusing on all of the love, all of the friendship, all of the family, and all of the many years of happiness in our future as husband and wife -- and, okay, maybe spending a few minutes every day daydreaming about my bouquet of dark red dahlias.