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A retrospective on V-Day: Why does my wife love me?

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02/14/2013

A retrospective on V-Day photo

On paper I probably sound like a good husband:
• Take out garbage
• Move heavy objects
• Cook
• Grocery shop

Hey, I’m pretty good at getting my chores done. I get my son up every other morning and usually I give the crazy man baths. Occasionally I will surprise my wife with flowers or a treat. This all sounds probably above average, but there’s much more.

I am a huge pain in the butt. Mostly for two reasons:
1) I think I’m hilarious all the time
2) I have trouble turning off the trainer

First, I’ll tackle my addiction to all things funny. You see, if you know me well, there’s nothing I like more, than making people laugh. Whether it’s an inappropriate joke about my wife’s grandfather or just an inappropriate joke in front of a grandfather, not much stops me. I usually know that my joke was in bad taste, after I get that look from my wife, the one where her hand is on the side of her face as she shakes her head.

I have trouble with using my filter, always have. I figure I have to filter myself at work for 8 or so hours a day so when I’m outside of work, I sometimes forget about my audience. Usually, that audience is my wife. She has to listen to me test material in front of her (yes, I am that guy). Not only does she have to listen to my shtick, but if I think it’s funny, I’m like Jimmy Fallen, I crack up sometimes uncontrollably. When she asks me to stop, I have no control and keep going. My favorite expression is, “If there was a third person in our relationship they would be laughing right now.” And that holds true with a few people, but not everyone appreciates a good limerick (I think my 18 month old son will be on my side).

You know how people say, “One day, we’ll look back on this and laugh,” I have no internal clock for this. Don’t take me for that horrible person that laughs when someone falls. I’m the person that makes a joke about that fall, while the person is on the way to hospital. This applies more to arguments. If my wife and are fighting about something, once I calm down I usually say, “I’m going to write in your journal.” I always think that’s funny. When my nephew was five years old (three years ago) he would get mad at someone and then threaten to write in their journal. My wife and I thought that was hilarious, so for a while we would say that to each other. I think jokes have no shelf life, so three years later I’m still saying this, usually it’s in mid-argument. And I laugh every time. I apparently need new material.

When I watch a comedian like, Aziz at Big Event, I am the worst to be around. I will tell any person I know some of the jokes I just heard. And of course, like when I sing a song, I use my own lyrics and might alter a punch line or two. Keep in mind I’m not recycling these jokes once, but multiple times, usually with my wife right next to me. I think of it as sharing the laughter, an obligation that other people should hear Chris Rock talk about Britney Spears. 

Being a personal trainer, you think I would be more sensitive when it comes to gaining weight. For the most part I am not mean, but I did get on the scale at one of my wife’s checkups, to see if her pregnancy weight was greater than my weight. I did not mean any harm; I thought it was legitimately funny and interesting. I was informed by the nurse, the doctor, and some friends, that it was, in fact, not nice. Usually I do not joke about gaining or losing weight, but I am like your grandmother and will tell you, “Stand up straight!” A list of other things that are appropriate for a trainer to tell his clients, but not his wife: 

A. With a judgmental look, “You’re going to eat all of that?”
B. “Are you sure you’re not full?”
C. “Did you work out today?”
D. “Chasing around a baby is parenting not exercising, unless it’s tag.”
E. “It could be fat.”
F. And the worst thing might have been when she was pregnant, “you move like a whale” 

Despite telling my wife, “I did not say you look like a whale, it’s just how you move,” it was still horrible. I know terrible. I am in desperate need of a filter. I am learning. There are some things I will never say again (this for example).

In the meantime, to my beautiful wife on this wonderful Hallmark holiday, thanks for loving me, I love you too!

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