I’ve been thinking a lot about my BFF Gwyneth Paltrow. Our friendship is imaginary, of course, but that doesn’t make it any less important—at least not to me.
Ol’ girl is in clear need of a BFF. You’d have to be hiding under a rock somewhere or not have access to a computer to not understand why. One minute she’s the most beautiful woman in the world, but then the next she’s saying something as punch-worthy as, "I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup."
Besties offer a tough love not often found in every day relationships and that’s exactly what I’m here to do.
Gwynnie? It’s time for a little real talk. Take a seat.
First? We can’t have you in a meme listing the 25 most annoying things you’ve said in the last three minutes. It just can’t happen again. I know that you can’t, “pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year,” but you could show the tinniest bit of compassion. Maybe you could accidentally be seen in a Wal-Mart on Long Island looking for a new compost bin? Even better, you could offer something on that cute little blog of yours that anyone who is making $25,000 a year has actually heard of or could afford. Oh, I know! How about a free $25 gift card from Target? That’d do the trick.
Second? You’re the most beautiful woman in the world, we get it. Your skin is flawless, your hair is perfect and you weigh about 12 pounds. What if you went in the opposite direction of all of that and made a movie where you are a frightful mess? Think less Shallow Hal and more Monster. We want some Charlize-style horror. No fat suits, just you as the ugly terror we know you can be. Come on. Lose a little of that control and show us your dark side.
Finally? You’re Jewish. You even claim to be the “Original Jewish Mother” with the way you force little Apple and baby Moses to eat. Could we get a nod to Jewish Cooking in the next cookbook for the love of Hashem? A kugel? Your Bubbe must have made a meal or seven for you. What did she make? Your favorite sugar-free Hamantaschen? Homemade jam? Can we get something like that? Pretty please?
Speaking of your cookbooks, they really are fantastic. They offer a lot of interesting dishes. You’ve got everything from roasted chicken to vegan cookies. Awesome, I know, but some of the ingredients listed look more like a scavenger hunt in Dean & Deluca than actual food.
I think it’s time you slum it a little and cook something out of a can. I’ve got a recipe for a cheap chopped salad that uses canned vegetables that I’m sure you’ll love. I’ll attach the recipe for you. It’s the perfect thing to go with your Blue Cheese Dressing.
GP, please know that I love and adore you. These are just a few ideas to help you through this troubling time. I’m here whenever you need a shoulder to cry on or a trashy meal made from a box.
My “slumming it” Chopped Salad:
1 can black beans (or bean of your choice)
1 can whole kernel corn
1 can diced tomatoes
1 small (4 oz) tub of blue cheese crumbles
1 small onion chopped
2 cups of chopped walnuts
1 (6 oz) bag of baby spinach
1 (6 oz) bag of hearts of romaine
There are no rules with this salad. You can pick whatever leafy greens or canned veggies you love the most and mix them together. I prefer to chop my greens because I like to be able to shovel the salad right into my mouth. Open the cans of tomatoes, corn and beans. Wash these veggies and let them drain in a colander in the sink. Toss these with your lettuce once they’ve drained. Add in your cheese, chopped onion and walnuts. Mix everything together well and you’re set.
Gwyneth Paltrow’s Blue Cheese Salad Dressing:
(Adapted from My Father’s Daughter by Gwyneth Paltrow)
1/3 cup sour cream
1/3 cup Vegenaise
1/2 cup crumbled Gorgonzola cheese (use the picante or mountain kind, not the dulce)
1/3 cup cold water
1 tablespoon plus 1 teaspoon red wine vinegar
1 large shallot, peeled and thinly sliced
Big pinch coarse salt
A few fresh grinds black pepper
Stir everything together in a small bowl until mixed well. Drizzle over your favorite salad.