Now that we have all long-since survived the cholesterol cornucopia that was Thanksgivukkah—during which we celebrated both oil and gravy—it's time to see what other Jewish/American holiday mash-ups are coming up in 2014.
Program the Trees Day
Tu B'Shvat celebrates trees in January, and Jan. 7 is International Programmer's Day. So instead of hacking down trees with axes, we're gonna have Jewish computer programmers hacking into the trees and, um, program them to do things. Like, I dunno, grow caramel apples, or etrogs that can regenerate broken pitoms.
Mar. 14 has been celebrated in some circles as Pi Day because the date recalls Pi's first three digits, 3.14. Purim is right around that time in 2014, but our holiday's shape is embodied in the triangular hamentashen. So the day would be celebrated by baking hamentashen, which involves folding circles into triangles. And then eating too many of them.
An amalgam of Purim, Mardi Gras, and St. Patrick's Day, three holidays within a month of each other that all celebrate libations. You can wear a mask if you want—actually, you probably should. L'chaim!
In 2014, the first day of Passover is Apr. 15, known in America as Tax Day. Just in case getting your house in order for Passover wasn't stressful enough, you have to get your financial house in order in the previous weeks, too. But by the time you sit down at your seder, you will have had to file taxes already. Just in time for unleavened bread, bitter herbs, and in-laws! You might need more than four glasses of wine.
The last day of Passover coincides with Earth Day. On Earthover, we recycle matzah and other cardboard items.
Cinco de Iyar
Cinco de Mayo falls, as its name indicates, on the fifth of May. Israel's Independence Day falls on the fifth of Iyar. When they fall on the same day, we eat "falafos," which are taco shells filled with falafel balls and a spicy, creamy salsa-hummus sauce. We also put on blindfolds and whack blue and white piñatas until they break apart, and all the children dive to grab up the Israel bonds that spill out.
This is already the most important Jewish holiday.
On Flag Day, we parade our flags around and, umm … well, anyway, on Shavout, we received the Torah! So we parade the Torah around and … ah, no, that's Simchat Torah. Hmm.
We'll get back to you.
This is the day we try to have a barbecue but fail, and instead eat nothing and sit in ashes. Serves us right, forgetting to buy lighter fluid again. And of course the stores are closed for the holiday.
Ahoy, mateys! This, ya scurvy scalawags, be the holiday that merges the Jewish New Yearrrr with Talk Like a Pirate Day! Ye never heard such shanties as today, when Cap'n Cantor sings "Oy, oy, oy … and a bottle o' rum!" You can also stick a shofar up your kitel sleeve and go as Rabbi Hook.
Day of Ateachment
The day after Yom Kippur is World Teacher's Day, so on the Day of Ateachment we repent for our incompletes and promise to do better on the next test.
In 2014, the first day of Sukkot falls on Leif Erikson Day. He was a Viking explorer who landed on North American shores, and we mean far north, in 1000 CE, which is a half-century before Columbus. So instead of Sukkot, we build huge wooden ships in our backyards. And sing Wagner's Ring Cycle. This takes seven days.
Shmini Atzeret is sort of the Alaska of Jewish holidays, so today we take down our Sukkot and just sit in the cold to honor Alaskan statehood.
This is the fall holiday on which we finish reading the Torah and go house to house to get candied apples. And yes, you should wear your mask again.
Sure, Cyber Monday is on Dec. 1 and Chanukah doesn't start until the night of Dec. 16, but you have eight days' worth of presents to get us! You need all the time you can get!